I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
