I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
