Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You can't motorboat a personality
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
