Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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