soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
