I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize