I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
