Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
