I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
