At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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