I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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