u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
