No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
