im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
