I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
