My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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