1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
