just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She even gives head with a lisp.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
