someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
