To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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