Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
