Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well I just put wine in my tea
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My penis needs a shock collar
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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