Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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