There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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