her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
