I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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