So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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