So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
