hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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