It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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