I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
