mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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