So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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