I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
