Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
