I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize