How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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