U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
