Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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