yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
