Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
