that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it because I queefed?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
