shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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