Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
