he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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