Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
