I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
