i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
