It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
