My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
