I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
