i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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