my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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