so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he shaved USA in his pubs
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
