I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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