I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
