someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
