i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
