fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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