Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
we're so committed to being not committed
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
