so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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