I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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