I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
