I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
