if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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