i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
