He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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