it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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