yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
