i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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