if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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