I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i have herpe
just one?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
