sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize